How to Enjoy Gangster Squad

Here's how to enjoy "Gangster Squad", if you are a straight girl:

1. If you're afraid of flying: Wait to see it on a plane, and line up a whole bunch of mini-bottles of your favourite alcohol. Every time someone takes out a Tommy Gun and shoots everyone, everywhere for the next five minutes, take a shot. By 20 minutes into the movie, you'll be asleep. No more fears to deal with. Maybe you'll dream of a time where men wore suits and nice shoes everywhere...

2. If you need to get over your obsession with Ryan Gosling: Sure, he looks the same. He wears the suits and chain-smokes, sexily. But for some reason he made a character choice in this movie to raise his voice by an octave. The fuck? Gradually, gratingly, he will lose your respect. Note: this trick will not work if you are hearing impaired.

3. If you've been considering dying your hair red: You'll have 113 minutes to debates the pros and cons. Do you have Emma Stone's skin-tone? Can you keep up with the shade? Sure, it looks great in that deep ruby tone, but do you have the self-discipline to re-dye it every two weeks? You know that shit fades. And you don't even have the self-discipline to go four days without eating pizza and/or cupcakes and/or staring at your ex's new girlfriend's yoga-poses-on-the-beach facebook pictures.

4. If you need a new movie-star crush: 

Then make Anthony Mackie your new pretend boyfriend. I bet he likes puppies and eating red velvet cupcakes. You have so much in common.

5. If you need to remember why other movies are so great: Let the leads in this film make you reminisce for their better films. The following are things I said out loud during the movie to my friend, another straight girl:

"Is that really supposed to be Mickey Cohen? Do you remember LA Confidential? That was such a great movie."

"Ahh, Josh Brolin. Did you ever see No Country For Old Men? You should totally see that. Crazy good."

"Mystic River!! Sean Penn should have just quit after Mystic River"

"I really liked what Emma Stone wore in every scene of the The Help. That movie was pretty good, but mostly it made me want to go shopping with those old-timey racist white people and then tell them the future would make everything about their stupid lives look dumb and mean, except their clothing, just FYI."

Love & Sex & Famke

I saw Famke Janssen at a restaurant last week. She is like a tall, gorgeous fairy-person. And when she had to duck beside our table while I was declining dessert, expressing her own excitement for dessert-- I took it as a sign of hope! She was in X-men and James Bond this, and Taken that-- but mainly she is the star of "Love & Sex", which I watched 8-10 times when I was sixteen. The only weird part of the movie is that her love interest, Jon Favreau, just seems...you know. I mean, he is funny and sweet. But she is Famke. She's funny on her own. No offence to Favreau, but like...it should have been Paul Rudd. But Favreau is perfect in the role. I don't even know what I'm saying. It's just slightly got one of those "Is she really going out with him?" vibes, which I suppose is pretty true to life, all things considered. Ridiculously good-looking people can't all date each other.

That is ridiculously picky. I adore this movie. Then I found it on youtube this weekend and I was delighted to find out it still holds up! It's as charming and witty as it was back in those pre-2001 adolescent dreamy-times! Check it out!! ...!!!! (Also it was nominated for a screenplay prize at Sundance, so don't take my word on the wittiness! Sundance! Famke!! Escapism!!!! FAMKE!!!!!)

Procrastinator's Liveblog

Don't read this probably, unless you are also a procrastinator and you want to remember what pain is like. I'm going to liveblog my attempt to finish my term paper at the 11 and a half hour. I am, apparently, incorrigible. This preamble itself is a procrastination.

To justify the following, and maybe to keep me going, I'll try to inject some recommendations for motivating movies. Here we go!

7 AM:
Already off to a great start by snoozing the alarm for two hours, but whatever! Positive, positive, positive!!

Here are my goals for the day that I will try to stick to like I'm trying to hold my breath underwater until my eyes bleed (I was so good at those games as a kid -- what happened? NEVERMIND, FOCUS!):
*30 pages by 10; *36 pages by 1; *40 pages by 3; finish page count by 5.

*THEN edit first issue by 8; edit second issue by 11; edit third issue by 2. Sleep 5 hours. Wake up and edit final issue by 10. Re-edit whole draft by 2pm. Send it off. Think up apologies for how I have betrayed this prof's trust by handing in an embarrassing piece of mediocre buffoonery!!!

First off for motivation-- Kill Bill!! Remember when she has to train as a warrior and she's so tired and dying but she keeps going because FUCK BILL, right?!? She drags her dead limbs around and gets into a truck and moves her atrophied toes, all after waking up from a coma?!?! Paper-writing is way less hard than that!!

7:47 -- why the Hell am I reading a gossip blog already?! Aboriginal self-governance isn't going to fucking explain itself!

8:56 -- Only at 26 pages; unlikely I'll be able to write four more in 1 hour...also I have to rewrite 70% of what I've written. Not just in this section, but in total. WILL SHOWER AND KEEP GOING. Writing is so hard!!

12:11 -- Did watching 53 minutes of Downton Abbey help the paper?! REALLY? Did it?! "You know, a WWI period drama would really put my troubles in perspective" -- said the idiot girl

1:06 -- I'm smoking. I don't even like smoking.

2:23 -- Currently feeling deludedly reassured. Do you ever think your life is one long parade of re-enacting the same mistakes?

8:14 -- I've...not given up, per se? But I've certainly managed to convince myself that the mediocre piece of cat puke I'm handing in tomorrow is somehow acceptable. It is, after all, only a "first draft". See? I'm already a lawyer.

9:30 -- I'm just staring at the internet.

11:39 -- how do you say "sorry, but I fuuuuucckkkkkkkkkED UP" in an email to a professional?

Black Tights to Mars

About to recommend something besides movies / TV (I know I've let us all down, the collective birdbrain Borg that is my mind, by not reading anymore)--

*Wearing tights all day. If you are a woman of any age or a man who wants to Truly Live, try wearing thick, high waisted black tights. With a dress, with a skirt, with a long or even short T-Shirt. Have you seen "Factory Girl"? It's actually not bad. And Edie sells the lifestyle of the tights. I won't pretend like I got anything done today, but I sure do feel like an elegant ballerina and I have done 50% more callisthenics than usual. Note-- not leggings. Tights. Get into it.

Also, for TV, watch "Veronica Mars", because it was cute and fun and a galaxy's stretch better than fucking Dawson's Creek or Gilmore Girls or Friends (did I just lose all of you, right there? Tough love, kittens. Isn't it creepy I refer to myself as kittens? Actually, that's an adorable way to go crazy.) Because Kristen Bell called out Laineygossip on twitter today and I was quite pleased with her, what with my Polski pride. It's true, fuck bullies.

A Work in Regress

Sometimes it's delusional to pretend I'm getting better at things. I'll try, for now, to stop getting worse.

Did I tell you to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? It's the one I'd take if I had to watch the same movie over and over again for the rest of my life. That or "All Dogs Go to Heaven", which reminds me of my grandma who I really loved, who had a sad awful life and then died super young. The movie is perfect though, really. I love everything by Charlie Kaufman, quel shocker. This one really is the masterpiece. Surreal, magical, romantic and honest. Jane Adams and David "I-can't-believe-he-married-Amber-Tamblyn" Cross also play my favourite fictional couple of all time in this one.

And Kate Winslet was only 29 or so when she filmed this. At least I think I look therefore super young for being in my 20th whatever year.

I'm also going to recommend the Gus Van Sant movie "Gerry", with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. I enjoyed it very much even while not being a pothead. So sad and dreamy.

Also, since it's another beautiful movie that relies heavily upon Pachebel's Canon, check out Cate Blanchett and Giovanni Ribisi in "Heaven", the movie that made me wish to go to Spain. I still haven't been. But Spain is a bit like Ireland, insofar as they are both countries very far away and good for feeling like you're not home. Anyway, the movie is set in Italy but for some reason, it's the movie I think of when I ask myself why I want to go to Spain.

And fuck, of course, I can't talk about a Tom Tykwer film without mentioning The Amazing and Perfect and SO GOOD Everyone's Already Seen It but Should See It Probably Twice? At least? Run Lola Run. Even though I forgot about that rule when talking about Perfume but the point of this post is that I'm super, hyper, rabidly imperfect, so. 

And actually I only wrote this whole post to tell you about "The Anniversary Party", maybe the best, realest movie about a party ever. Because, Phoebe Cates, you guys. Also, did I mention Jane Adams?

How would you feel if I just wrote the post that never-ended, just listing off all the movies I remember liking? Well maybe you need to quarantine yourself from one of the many horror-hell flus going around, or just hide out and avoid the reality of acknowledging that climate change has totally won and now we just have to ride out the horseshit doomsday situation we created? Then you'll need more movies!! So here you go, here's "Sliding Doors", the movie that asks "How much does luck do?", but in a less operatic way than Woody Allen would! Even though Gwyneth Paltrow is the world's most insufferable person, Sliding Doors is great, you'd like it. 

Or just watch All Dogs Go to Heaven. Looking back, I can't believe the movie I watched twice a day when I was a tiny little child is actually really dark and kind of confusing/ disturbing. Or I can believe it because look at me.

Rose Byrne in Castles & Canada

Mary Winstead was Oscar-snubbed today. Probably loads of way worse crimes against humanity also happened, but that's the one I noticed.

The following are some movies with Rose Byrne that I could watch many times over. Rose Byrne is like a wittier, prettier, brunette version of Reese Witherspoon. 

For example, you could hang out with her in a castle! "I Capture the Castle" is a delightful movie--white people problems at their finest!! (Oh noooo! We are too poor to keep on living in our English castle! Let's borderline-prostitute our daughter, but only to classy people who wear tuxedos to dinner and then we can all romp around tragically in the green, perfect countryside!) Fun times.

Also Romola Garai is great in that movie, just like she is in Vanity Fair, which is a weirdly Bollywood version of one of my favourite 'keeping-it-real' books, with a pregnant Reese Witherspoon also romping around the British countryside. Basically, follow the career of Romola for lots of romping around with moody rich British people (see also Atonement).

But it's Rose Byrne I'm pretending is my imaginary friend today. If she were hanging out with me on the couch this afternoon, I probably wouldn't have eaten so much hummus, for example. She would have been like "let's go to a play, darling!", and I would have said "oh but I'm trying to write a term paper" and she would have said "you know damn well you'll fucking write it tomorrow, let's get day-drunk in Beverly Hills, we're in Los ANGELES! Let's goooo!"

See how fun she is? No one parties into the sunrise enough. No one enjoys youth enough.

And also she is the creepy best in this weird little Canadian movie I enjoy immensely called "Just Buried", with Jay Baruchel. It's one of those "dark comedies" that gets the meaning of the phrase. Sure, you'd think all those episodes of Six Feet Under had killed the 'funeral home drama'. Never!! I think there should be more profession-oriented fiction. Have we had enough movies about veterinarians? I doubt it.

I Forgot Me Without You

In my list from the previous post I forgot to include "Me Without You", a 2001 film about poison friends in Britain! Have you ever seen Anna Friel? I wish I saw her more. She can smoke cigarettes with her toes. Also, Michelle Williams can speak British. This is one of those movies I want to watch again, right now, but I have this stupid depressing paper to finish.

Why do things get harder? I'm just sick of school. Also I saw a rat last night scurry out in front of my headlights and couldn't get out of the car for very long minutes. How do I feel about rats? 1984 level terror. I could never be a spy because RATS. Rats. You guys.

Rats.

Also, am I the only one who read 1984 and thought it was extremely romantic? "I LOVE YOU" note. That's great. I guess it's political but I think it's also a romance book. They had fun for a while! Obviously I'm great at book reports.

Ode to Friendship

So Jermaine Fowler followed me on twitter yesterday and it made my year. I could get hit by a car tomorrow and spend the next 11 months in intensive care, and I'd still be pretty happy with 2013. So thank you, universe.

Also, thank you friends. I have such wonderful, diverse pals. Never a dull moment. I've always believed that hell is boring people. Or bed bugs. I believe these things because I've never known hardship, so please take me less seriously at all times.

Here are some of my favourite works of art, commemorating friendship:

"Go". Sarah Polley doesn't age, does she? Ever have a night that takes a turn, and then you end up kidnapped by Timothy Olyphant? Me either. So watch this and pretend.

"Thirteen". I love Evan Rachel Wood. This reminds me of my childhood friendships. Replace pre-teen blow-jobs and shoplifting with falling through 4 feet holes in snow-banks and having every friend threaten suicide biweekly and that was my youth.

"Ginger Snaps". Everyone hates menstruation as much as they love slutty goths. I could watch this movie a thousand times. Ginger-types are my favourite kind of person: dangerous, seductive, loyal and untrustworthy.

"Heathers". Winona Ryder's life, including this movie, is the original ode to 'white girl problems'.

"Girl, Interrupted". See the description above. This was for a long, long time my favourite movie. Given my recent brush with actual friend suicide, it'll be a long time until I can watch it again. But if you want to see the original flavour Angelina Jolie, check it out. I think this movie personifies the kind of friendships I have, and that's not even facetious. This scene, this scene:

I'm deliberately omitting "Mean Girls" because fuck Tina Fey and her second-wave feminist, sister-hating bullshit. Overrated judgmental bitch.

I also have to include "Cat's Eye". One of the best books I've ever read. It perfectly describes girls and women, how we're friends, how we can slice it all up so strangely, sadly. One of the best moments last summer was when I saw Margaret Atwood walking down a street in Toronto and tweeted at her about Cat's Eye saving my life. She tweeted back and I felt wildly validated. I live for small things.

So hey friend-girls. You make my life worthwhile and wonderful, shout out and butterfly kisses to you all.

Sweet Idiotic Choices

I am addicted to irresponsibility and wilful denial of some basic truths. Things like currency, time, relations with men. But also I'm mostly very happy and I think my life is an adventurous delight right now, so what fucking ever. For example, I'm in California for a month and so far it's terrific. There's something super half-decent: travel. I never regret trips. I maybe should find a way to do them more cheaply, but I never regret them. I also never regret donating to charity.

AND I don't regret seeing Django Unchained because it was super watchable!! Leonardo DiCaprio seems like the world's most unpleasant person to lunch with, but his movies are always good! If you like Quentin Tarantino, you probably already saw Django and don't need me to tell you it's great. There are some pretty horses in it too, and Jamie Foxx and Christoph Waltz are always good in movies. There have been grumbles about slavery and exploitation. I'm too ignorant to defend the movie against nuanced criticism, but maybe as a small point, isn't any movie that reminds us, even tiny bit, of bad history a good thing? Remembering! Reminding! Things relatively very recent!

Les Mis wasn't my fav. I like Anne Hathaway's part. It'd be good for people who truly like musicals, which I guess I don't. Maybe just not the one's that are 27 hours long. Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen steal the show, and they are both in way better movies to watch than this. Have you seen the Johnny Depp version of Sweeney Todd? It's better than this one, I thought.

You want misery without music? Watch Revolutionary Road.

Also I'm enjoying American Netflix and The League. Funniest show I've ever seen since It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch the League! Do it!