American Hustle & Anchorman 2 - the 70s seemed fun

American Hustle

A friend on facebook ("friend") was soliciting recruits for her Jewish Christmas festivities, which involved Chinese food and watching American Hustle. I told her "that movie is the tits!!!"

It sure is! Literally, boobs everywhere. I wish I could dress like Amy Adams and cut all of my outfits down to the navel. But we live in a society I guess. A consumerist society where I did some perfunctory Boxing Day shopping today. I know I'm an adult now because I've started to fantasize about winning the lottery. That's when you know your actual dreams are dying.

Anyway, this movie is non-stop movers and shakers, getting into hijinx and spitting out dialogue with crazy eyes and winsome 70s songs. A rascally pair of lovebird con-artists-- these characters are like finger-guns in a photograph. THE BEST. It's rare that I expect a movie to be perfect and then it's even better. The story is frenetic and never-ending. And funny too. You don't really expect it to make you laugh the whole time, but it does. Jennifer Lawrence is funny in the way Cameron Diaz always thinks she is. It's kinda irritating. Like my friend who called yesterday to tell me she's pregnant again, they bought a house, she got a promotion, her husband got a promotion, she lost weight and reconnected with her estranged sister. MERRY CHRISTMAS, PERFECT LIFE. Are you going to win the lottery too?! No, I'm very happy for her. But come on, Jennifer Lawrence. Stop making us all feel so unaccomplished.

Overall, the movie is lots of silly and dramatic people amusing you with absurd hairstyles and endless off-screen coke shenanigans, plus exceptional acting. Louis CK is there too! Christian Bale got fat and dances to jazz! Bradley Cooper impersonates Louis CK! Jennifer Lawrence sets things on fire! Jeremy Renner's hair makes him 8 feet tall!

Anchorman 2

Well. This just is what it is. If you eat a double-dosed pot cookie, you won't regret watching this sequel that is exactly as good as the Hangover 2. There aren't really any new jokes, but those old ones aren't bad to hear repeated. Not necessary to hear repeated, but it's better to see this movie than to spend another evening on the brown suede loveseat you begged off your mom, eating chips and pressing "refresh" on the Jezebel homepage. 

I also played poker this Christmas for the first time in my life and all these 70s themed activities are making me strongly consider buying this coat, because I make terrible decisions across the board.

The End & The Bling

"This is the End" was very funny. I don't really get sick of that Seth Rogen stuff, or I haven't yet. And Danny McBride. Come on.

...oh god, I can't really do any decent reviews right now because I didn't sleep at all last night and it's 7:01 in the morning and I'm sitting in a hotel lobby in Syracuse, which is a pretty sad place. My mom bought me all the clothes I could ever wear, which is great and has also defeated my consumer urges. So I'm in this weird twilight mood-- what do I procrastinate with now, since it's pointless to online window shop?

But if you haven't seen it, go see that above named movie. It's really watchable. Probably don't bother with "The Bling Ring" though. I love Sofia Coppola movies but this one was weirdly flat. It's based on a true story of vapid, teenage break and enter artists. But like, you knew that. It doesn't even show the good stuff from the Vanity Fair article upon which it's based (like all the coke the kids found at Paris Hilton's house). The best part of the movie is Emma Watson, and guess what? She's also in This is the End, so just go see that. You know? The trailer for the Bling Ring is decent and better than the actual movie, so here you go:

Finally, on another personal note, when hanging out with young cousins, beware talking about 14 year old subject matter, such as the hazards of making out with braces on, when you don't actually know how old your cousin is, because she will later reveal she's 11.

Beginners

"Beginners" is a sweet, sad, honest delight of a movie. It's the sort of thing my dad and brother would hate and my mom would consider too depressing. Except it has moments of this specific, overwhelming hope too.

It's overall a story of a dude mourning his dad, who is gay, as well as his mom and their marriage. And on top of that, his own love story, his history and all that. The dude is Ewan Mcgregor and the girl is Melanie Laurent, who puts the whole world on her face as an actress. See also "Inglourious Basterds"-- she's incredible.

So it's my favourite movie when I'm sick or sad or lonely or tired or writing the bar exam tomorrow. I highly recommend it for anyone who likes brunch, horses, ballet or that Russian kind of sadness.

Artists are Lovely Assholes

"Art School Confidential" is a movie that I laughed at very hard. I've been told recently my sense of humour is dark.

Fine. This isn't a flick you'd like if you didn't know anything about artists or liberal arts colleges or what counts as funny.

But if you do know about any of those things, this movie is for you! I'd watch it a dozen more times. Nearly every character is a horrible person, behaving ridiculously. It sends up celebrity, idiots, poseurs, snobs, lesbians, cops, professors and hypocrite hot girls!! The best!

When I was a kid, everyone thought I was an art prodigy for 5 minutes. My aunt is a painter and she took me to all these museums. My mom put me in art classes. Then an actual prodigy showed up to my class and everyone made a big deal of his goddamn shoe sketch. I got in the car, age 7, and told my mom "I'm done with art." I still draw with the same skill as I did in Grade 2.

But I'm still fascinated with art and artists, because why not. Here are two books that also make fun of the art scene! "Theft" by Booker Prize winning Peter Carey is the tits. I don't care if you never read, you should read that book. It's hysterical and clever. "An Object of Beauty" is another book about criminals in the art world, only it's written by Steve fucking Martin. And actually it's pretty good.

All Good Things

"All Good Things" is pretty good.

You should watch it if:

(a) you like the guy who plays Ron Swanson, but want to see what he'd look like as a vulnerable man crying in a car;

(b) you like the guy who is Ryan Gosling and want to see if you'd still do him if he were a psychopath in drag (...no comment);

(c) you are curious about how people get away with murder;

(d) you want to see Kirsten Dunst have her spirit broken onscreen and then turn into a believably tragic cocaine addict; or

(e) a creepy stranger invites you to move in with him and you're wondering if that's a good idea.

I'll miss you forever, Ebert

I should put more energy and thought into writing a memorial post for my virtual dad, Roger Ebert. I should but I haven't got it in me right now.

I was just reading his review of "Stoker" last week. God. He was right, also. He said that Matthew Goode has a promising future. See? He and I coincidentally have the same opinion most of the time. Not about "Juno" but many, many flicks. Same thoughts.

Fuck fuck fuck. Death is bullshit. Buy his books, don't read my garbage non-reviews.

As my Kazakhstani friend Anastasia once said, when I asked her why she insisted on chain-smoking, "Everybody dies." It's true. Life is finite. Live live live now, while you can, while you are.

Live life like someone's watching and they'll change the channel if you start to be boring. But don't be cruel. Right? Who knows.

This is a very metaphorical tribute, but I like this as a way to say goodbye to special things, special people, parts of life that are over. But remembered! A show about death knows how to end things.

Here's to you, Ebs. You make me want to be better at everything.

Hitchcock & Curling

"Hitchcock" was a decent film. Jessica Biel is still pretty and I always forget that she's an actress. But you know who's fierce as fuck? Scarlett Johansson. She is cool as a perfect pair of jeans and cigarettes in her role as Janet Leigh. Love her, and love that she's totally the winner from her divorce.

Also, you can't step to Helen Mirren and her goddamn perfect bathing suit body. The flick is all about the 'struggle' to finance and produce the crazy movie "Psycho". It's also about the struggle for fat people to diet. I get it. Sometimes all you wanna do is fuck hot blondes! But you're too fat and creepy! So instead you spy and drink lots of cocktails and eat lots of ice cream!! Relatable!!

And I also watched one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen, "Curling". It's an indie Quebec picture about a creepy dad, living in isolation with his creepy young daughter. And their creepy relationship. Super mysterious, which can be irritating. But can also be an exercise in finding out how dark your mind really is!! What do you think is going on? What does that say about you? What the fuck is up with curling, anyway? I mean that. Not just in the movie. What's up with curling? Someone explain. Anyway, watch this one if you want to get truly freaked out. It's really well done. Did you like "The White Ribbon"? Then this too, go for it.

Wonderstone and Stupid Fun

Not everything has to be brilliant to be enjoyable. Sometimes you can eat really weirdly delicious things, like pretzels covered in chocolate. And meanwhile you can laugh your head off to stupid, aimless silliness. People who don't go the movies alone, or moreover, people who don't go to movies at all? Why? I don't understand. But then, I don't have a television. Sometimes I get sick of watching stuff on my laptop. Although, not really-- I probably spend 16 hours a day staring at this screen. Could be why my eyes are perma-bloodshot. Maybe our eyes will evolve to deal with backlit screens, who knows.

In the meantime, go watch The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It's really pointless and funny, especially the end. Jim Carrey is one of those rare birds. When you ask him to be funny, he will be funny in that unique, ridiculous way. Ace Ventura Pet Detective is the first funny movie I remember really losing my mind over. It's the earliest memory I have of understanding what 'funny' was. My babysitter was washing dishes, giving me her review (I was a quiet, precocious little kid who loved to substitute for adult company with my lonely babysitter women--for them, it was talking to a cat or yourself, but very slightly better.) She was like "god, there he was, talking out of his butt, which is so gross, but goddamn if he wasn't the funniest thing I've ever seen."

I also saw Identity Thief. It was borderline terrible, but still better than the Hobbit!! If you're on an airplane and you can't sleep for some reason, and it's one of those cheap flights where you don't get a choice for the movie, so obviously they're showing Identity Thief-- well in that case, go ahead and watch it, it's better than reading the in-flight magazine, or focusing on your constant, uncomfortable shifting away from the creep who is sitting beside you and who is irritatingly unaware that the arm rest is the border onto your personal space. But really, who goes unprepared onto a flight? Like that lady from Vermont who insisted so badly we should talk, and I decided to read a mediocre book cover to cover non-stop for 5 hours. Until she actually said "that must be a really good book". Of course, I am weak and afterwards got to hear her life-story anyway.

ACE VENTURA NON-SEQUITOR

Kelly MacDonald -- Champion

Kelly MacDonald is a champion.

I used to ride a horse named Champion. Champ, as we called him. He was really decent for a school-horse (the poor beasts who get their faces pulled around in riding schools while teaching terrible children to ride). I only rode him when he went insane and bucked off the children while I was teaching daycamp. I had to get on afterwards to train him and he'd fly around, as I cowboy'd him into submission. Poor Champ was so depressed. He would also spend long hours staring at the wall of his stall, totally dead inside, biting the children who tried to put a halter on him. Poor beasts of the world in general, you know?

Kelly MacDonald though. If someone made a movie about Champ the Depressed Schoolhorse, Kelly could play the lead role, even though she's of a different species. That's how good she is.

Kelly The Great:

And just because there are no rules, Champion The Schoolhorse.

You guys, literally anything with Kelly MacDonald is a good movie. She is just so good, and somehow is one of those heros who only chooses greatness with her films. I already mentioned No Country for Old Men. Here are a few:

"Choke" -- Yeah, I'm going to repeat movies that I love (if this is a repeat). I love Chuck Palahniuk books. This was one of my favourite books ever, and they made it into a decent comedy. I'd watch it again, even with other people there to judge my taste.

"The Girl in the Cafe" -- The whole thing is a blatant charity drive in movie form, and it's still incredibly good. Because Kelly MacDonald, you guys. She has these expressive eyes like a vulnerable terrier, and then she can be such a badass at the same time. That is some rare talent. Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. In fact, I kind of want to watch it this afternoon as a pick me up, since last night I had to clean puke out of my car (hazards of being DD). This clip shows the acting and the message, but trust me it's also a very romantic movie! It's Bill Nighy's fault that I've watched Love, Actually so many Christmases in a row.

"Trainspotting"-- Horrifying. More horrifying than Requiem for a Dream. Drugs drugs drugs, they'll ruin your life! If you're into movies, it's surely one you've seen. If you've meant to get around to it, well go ahead. Put it on the calendar. Because it's also funny, in the way that terrible things are funny. In the way true things are funny because everyone is a lunatic, actually. Danny Boyle. He is a hero director. Even if you don't watch the movie, watch this clip, please:

"Gosford Park" -- Hey, Downtown Abbey got all of its best ideas from the greatest movie of all time, Gosford Park. Including Maggie Smith. Yeah. GREATEST. I don't care if I give that title to all of them. If anyone wanted to fight me over the greatness of Gosford Park, I would immediately roll up my sleeves and take out my earrings.

Caution or Cowardice

If I step back it's always because I'm afraid. I tell myself to be courageous and hard-working. I constantly fail. Peter Singer said something like "just because we all morally fail all the time doesn't mean the moral standards should be slackened." It's true, it's possible we're all a bunch of frequent, incorrigible failures. Like maybe Ghandi and Mother Teresa are the baseline for humanity and the rest of us are morally deficient.

Anyway, I can always talk a lot of nonsense. What's up is I gave myself one scary/brave thing to do this week/month and I keep messing it up. Not doing it. It has nothing to do with anything, I'm just confessing to the ether because I'm not Catholic anymore but it's what we're trained to do. A useless conflict resolution strategy if there ever was one. Catholic: "I fucked up, just like I always do". Listener: "...why are you telling me?"

Heroes!! Lucy Liu and Garret Dillahunt. They are great and I'm not going to do them justice, because I'm tired and have only five minutes.

So just, if you're looking for movies, check out "No Country for Old Men" or "The Assassination of Jesse James..." with my hero Dillahunt. Not Looper. And I've already told you my feelings on the glory of "Deadwood" and "Winter's Bone." I can't speak to "The Road"...I read the book and was horrified, so I never bothered with the movie. But I've heard it's massively depressing. Stick with No Country. See it again. It surprises you. Also, Assassination is one of the prettiest things I've ever seen. Actually, both Assassination & No Country are landscape movies to take you places you maybe don't have the money/time to go visit right now.

I know so many of my recommendations are lady-centric, as they should be. But Assassination is one of the manliest man movies of all man-time (next to "There Will Be Blood"). I still like it, so maybe there are some men out there who like "Waitress", who knows.

And Lucy, you know her:

I know she's way too famous to be a little known hero, but she fits my definition of an actor who reliably does great things. Things you know and enjoy for fun, like "Charlie's Angels" and "Kill Bill". But did you know about "Watching the Detectives" or "Lucky Number Slevin"? I adore those movies. They are wayyyy too much fun to be so underrated/ unknown. I promise you'd like them.  They also co-star two of my heros of perfect looks, Cillian Murphy and Josh Hartnett. Ladies, I'm telling you. Gentlemen...well, have you seen Lucy Liu?

AND ALSO I bet you forgot my girl LL was in "CHICAGO". YEAH. She was the very best thing is that hilarious movie, which is one of the only musicals I can stand. Maybe because she didn't sing.

Ben Foster / Mos Def

I failed to post yesterday, which is the least important thing I skipped. I got a weather induced migraine, the second of my life! Did you know the body can introduce new and exciting varieties of suffering you thought if you didn't get young, you'd never get? It's true!! Like psychotic eczema and crippling 12 hour headaches!

Also, did you know Advil never expires (according to my mom and the fact those 2008 expired pills didn't kill me, but made me sleep 9 hours)? YAH! My mom doesn't think anything really ever expires. She got food poisoning a lot.

On to the heroes!! First: Ben Foster. This is the level of love I have for BF, my imaginary BF: he dated Kirsten Dunst and Robin Wright. And then those two women rose inestimably in my opinion, because I realized their perfect taste.

He's replacing Shia LaBouffant in "Orphans" on Broadway this spring, which means I'm going to NYC this spring. He is the world's best looking best actor ever. That is my opinion, but I don't argue with my friend when she tells me I should accept Jesus into my heart, because otherwise she's not sure I won't go to Hell. That's the power of BLIND FAITH & BELIEF. You cannot argue, you can only nod and squint. Like, I'd even watch a Jesus movie if Ben were in it.

Regarder le Ben:

"Liberty Heights" -- This is a cute movie about cute kids in a shitty time. Nostalgia should also remember the shit of the past. And it's a movie about how love conquers all!! Ben conquers all! With his marvelous acting chops and handsomeness that stilled my teenage heart!!!!!

"3:10 to Yuma" -- I definitely watched this movie 100% because Ben my boyfriend starred in it. But guess what, it's a great movie. It's the perfect Western, for people who don't even like Westerns. Full of drama, beautiful horses, tense stand-offs and homoerotic unrequited love. Also, Christian Bale. He's like a litmus test-- he won't do terrible movies. And this is the role that proves Ben is unstoppable. He was robbed of an Oscar nomination/ Oscar.

"The Messenger" -- This movie is super sad and super epic. It's about kids dying in war and the soldiers who have to tell their families. It's a beautiful story and based on true tragedy. I'd watch it again and again. Woody Harrelson is excellent, like he always is. As in the untouchable Samantha Morton. But so is Ben. Ben Ben Ben BEN.

Second hero of the day: Mos Def. Who the hell is sexier than Mos Def? Whenever he appears in a movie, he becomes the sun that the rest of the story orbits around. MD's quiet power onscreen is unbelievable. He can be funny, too. You would think that kind of gravitas could only work in dramas, but then there he goes, being funny!

Then he goes around being beautiful at all times:

"The Woodsman" -- Well this is a strange story. Did you think a pedophile could ever be a workable protagonist? He is here, but he has the face of Kevin Bacon, so it softens the blow. I'm telling you though, Mos Def steals the movie. He blows your mind, he is so good. So so so good. And it makes the movie watchable. The whole thing is so haunting. I recommend it!

"Something the Lord Made" -- This is one of go-to feel good movies. It gets sad. Then it gets happy. Then sad, then happy!! Gabrielle Union also makes you wish she were in more movies. Alan Rickman is Alan Rickman and his cool voice gets even cooler with that thick Southern accent. But no one can even touch Mos Def. Not even. He is so perfect and makes you cry with his perfection. And check it out, you can watch the whole awesome thing on youtube.

"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -- People worship the book. I haven't read it, to my shame. But I did see the movie and it's fun! Check it out, you'll like it (probably). Whimsical. Zany. Best of all, Mos Def!! I really wish I could just list off everything he's done. He is always, always worth seeing. Such a hero.

Kathryn Hahn Makes Everything Better

Next up in heroes week (heroine is a stupid word): my all-time favourite funny girl Kathryn Hahn. Do you think Amy Poehler is funny? Or Kristen Wiig? Sure, but they don't hold a candle to Hahn. Despite her surprisingly short list of screen roles, she's a stand-out in my mind as one of the greatest ingredients to many of my favourite comedies.

Every time I see KH in a movie, she manages to be the most interesting thing on the screen. She is insanely funny in comedic roles, but she's also surprisingly good at going really dark sometimes. That is hard to do. Jim Carrey is just weird when he's serious, you know? Behold my hero Kathryn Hahn, who you've definitely seen before:

Yeahhh, heroes get their faces all up in your face, because I don't have trophies or clout.

"Anchorman" -- Let's be real, if you can't laugh at Anchorman, I pity your humourless existence. I still think Will Ferrell is one of the funniest human beings alive, but back at the Anchorman stage, that was the general opinion. This movie is just funny. That's all it aims to do, and it succeeds. It's early Kahn, in a small role, but she still kills it.

"Step Brothers" -- Sure, fine, it's not a film for everyone. I maintain it's hysterical. Enjoy silliness in movies!! Life is so short! If you can't laugh at this movie in general, you are flat-out wrong if you can't laugh at Kahn's role. It is one of the funniest characters in movie history...

"The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" -- Genuinely underrated comedy. I laughed from the first minute until the end. It was directed by Neal Brennan, co-creator of the "Chappelle Show", and it features the funniest strip-club DJ since SNL. And the very best thing about the movie is KAHN!!!

"Revolutionary Road" -- If you like this sort of thing, you've already seen this movie. It's sad as murdered pandas. But BEAUTIFUL sad, you know? Maybe you don't know this, though: this is very, very brilliant sad-person acting by Kahn. She's so perfect as maybe the most tragic of all the tragic figures in the whole tragedy-eclipse that is this story (PS-- the book is really good too, even if you read it in bed in a Vegas hotel room because your boyfriend is a dick, which is how I read it. Maybe especially great in those circumstances). Stupidly there are no specific Kahn clips on youtube, but trust me. This is a killer flick and she outshines Winslet.

"Girls" -- I like it. Many of my preferred friends like it. I think every spoiled woman of my age would like it. You've probably heard everything there is to hear about Lena Dunham, but in case you missed it, Girls is a good show. A great show, maybe. It has its annoying, boring moments, but it has its perfect moments too. And some of those PERFECT moments involve the PERFECT KATHRYN HAHN!

And follow this link to funnyordie for a quick laugh, just cuz: (HAHN, that's why!)

Little Known Heroes- Matthew Goode

For a week I'm just going to mention actors who are so exceptional and/or attractive that I will watch any piece of garbage movie they're in.

1. Matthew Goode

You guys. I originally wrote this whole thing without doing any research on my chosen subject. One little google search later and I realized he is so much more than his perfect face. He is a master of great honesty and has a winsome "doesn't give a f***" attitude. You'll note my inclusion of Leap Year below. Having discovered Goode's publicized remarks on said movie, I love him FOREVER.

Look at him.

Exactly.

But, for what it's worth, he's also in lots of movies that I really enjoy for OTHER reasons. His face is like a bonus. Like the kind of happiness you get when the vending machine drops you two Snickers bars by accident.

"Match Point"-- yes fine whatever, I already alluded to this movie before. It's my favourite Woody Allen picture. Over the top and full of ridiculously good looking people acting like evil cats. I think it was the hottest Scarlett Johansson ever looked. Plus the movie centres on the idea of moral luck, which is the best and only thing I remember from my philosophy degree.

"Watchmen" -- Also featuring another sorta forgotten because he left his pregnant wife "hero" Billy Crudup. For some reason not everyone liked this incredibly weird and sexy comic-based movie. I thought it was chilling, dark and amazing. I read the book afterwards, and I still think the movie did its job. Comic nerds just need to be as chill as literary nerds when it comes to film adaptations. I would definitely watch this again, and it would definitely have a lot to do with Matthew Goode's face. He's a good actor, yo! Moral ambiguity and incredibly good looking men, these are a few of my favourite things.

"A Single Man" -- Tom Ford, the fashion guy, made a movie and it's as stylish and beautiful as you would think. When I saw it in theatres with my friend, I remember turning to her and saying "I want to go back to the 60s and have sex with everybody." Also, I think this is by far my favourite Goode role. If he was picked by a gay fashion designer, you know exactly how hot he is. And it shows his charm and innocence.

Ugh, everyone in this movie. Everyone is perfect. Julianne Moore is an all-time actor champion and she kills it. Colin Firth, there's nothing I need to say, because it's Firth. Nicholas Hoult, as one of his first adult acting roles, looks about as attractive as is humanly possible. But ok fine, emotionally the movie is also riveting and achingly perfect. It's really, really good if you want to celebrate nostalgia.

And, finally, regrettably, inevitably, "Leap Year". Here's the thing. I almost moved to Ireland indefinitely for a man. I saw this movie after the fact (I think, I can't remember the exact sequence). YES Irish accents are sexy and YES the Irish countryside is a green, hilly heaven-scape of nature, etc etc. But Ireland is also fucked up. Visiting dreamy-headed women take note. In any case, this is one of MG's few starring roles and he is STUPIDLY ATTRACTIVE even though he has some horrible facial hair. Also Amy Adams is in it and she's fine. Or ok, she's cute as a button (not as cute as she was in Junebug, which is the world's best Amy Adams movie). It's just that the writing for the movie was pulled out a of trashbin. And still. Still I've seen it 3-4 times. Seriously though, like all high-budget shitty movies you're going to watch anyway because maybe you're not above that sort of thing, the entire movie is in the trailer. So watch the trailer, or watch the extended trailer (the movie) if you want to drink and shout at the TV for catharthis.

Rust & Bone & Cotillard's Face

So watch "Rust & Bone" if you enjoy emotional manipulation and beautiful people. Specifically, the gorgeous Marion Cotillard. She absolutely acted the fuck out of this movie, but the Oscars already noticed her once and that is as far as they'll go for French movies. I LOVED this movie. I agree with Ebert's 4 stars. Some parts are crazy sad and horrifying. And yet, so is life. Isn't that what c'est la vie really means? Life, she is a cruel bitch.

I don't want to tell you what's in the movie before you watch it, because it's way, way better if you have no idea what's coming. Just strap in and get ready to see what it really means to "find love in a hopeless place".

[Note-- Rihanna, I know you're totally reading this. I do not approve of your particular hopeless place loveshit. You could date probably anybody, so. You know who else had her choice of anybody on earth? Cotillard, that's who! And look who she chose! Also, Diane Kruger. She got with Pacey!! I'm just saying, Rihanna. Look at your life, look at your choices. Also, you'd probably enjoy Rust & Bone. It's got whales and I know how potheads feel about whales.]

Rust & Bone's spoilery trailer: (BUT IF YOU TRUST ME AT ALL, JUST WATCH IT! Movies should be FULL OF SURPRISES.)

Shameless

"Shameless" is currently my favourite thing on television. It's a remake of a British show that I haven't seen, so I can't compare (let's always assume the original Brit version is better). Basically the show follows the lives of a poor family in the slums of Chicago.

Alcoholism, broke people problems, adolescent angst and William H. Macy. Best kind of drama around. Also, it's just over the top and zany enough to be awesome.

This show is never boring and the characters really bring you in. All the actors are great. It's not a surprise that Joan Cusack is great. Duh. But Emmy Rossum, who knew? No bra, no make-up, no hope and she keeps it going!

About Cherry is Wonderful Garbage

Some movies are terrible. You know that from the poster, the premise, the trailer. But Netflix keeps insisting and hey, Heather Graham, Dev Patel and James Franco are in it, so why not? That's "About Cherry". It had me, then lost me, then I keep watching because it got some things right, then it got weird but watchable, and then the ending infuriated me. But watchable. For a terrible movie, it was very good. Heather Graham is always worth watching, even in this movie with her terrifying frozen forehead. I'm not sold on the 'tox. But I'm sure I will change my mind in 3 years.

Greenberg, Rhys Ifans and Sleep

First, watch "Greenberg" because the characters are familiar. Very familiar. Greta Gerwig's character in the opening shot was me, basically. Wearing exactly the same things I wear, wandering around alone in Los Angeles. Ben Stiller is wonderful at being funny while also being absolutely horrible. It's bittersweet and pathetic. Everyone in the film is someone you've met. It's so good to watch alone on a Tuesday evening.

But, second, the best thing about Greenberg is Rhys Ifans. His character is such an honest balance of reality and apology. That perfectly rotten combination of loyalty and contempt, which is the product of many a friendship.

If you don't want to see Greenberg, you can watch pretty well anything Ifans has done. It occurred to me that he is one of the most versatile actors I've ever seen. It's great! He can do fucked up: see Human Nature, a Charlie Kaufman/ Michel Gondry underrated, Kafka-derived weirdo-fest with Tim Robbins and Patricia Arquette. See also Enduring Love, a movie about obsession with Daniel Craig eating a lot of food. I like the Ian McEwan book better, but a movie is faster to take in.

Anyway, looking over his IMDB, I realize Rhys hasn't been in as many big pictures as I thought. You can't miss him in Notting Hill, looking loveable and revolting all at once. Contrast that with what he looks like in The Five-Year Engagement, where he's smoking hot in sexy professor glasses. Both of those movies are decent if you're looking to feel self-indulgent on the couch with a romantic comedy, though of course 90s era Hugh Grant in Notting Hill is the better version.

But you really ought to see Rhys kill it in Anonymous. I guess I have a thing for brooding, well-decorated historical movies. SO SUE ME. This one is full of all the over-the-top Elizabethan era dirt and shenanigans you could hope for. It's a trip, you'd like it. Shakespeare conspiracy!!!

AND FINALLY because I've been sleeping about 9-10 hours a night for the last two weeks, watch The Science of Sleep. Another weirdo Michel Gondry film that is sad and pretty and you'll hate it if you don't like dreamy stuff. It's literally half a dream. But it's also about a broken guy, a dude who can't really cope with reality, played by the ever attractive Gael Bernal Garcia. His girlfriend is Charlotte Gainsbourg. It's the kind of film to watch in a sad mood (all of the above kind of are, actually). I read a Vanity Fair interview with Penelope Cruz many years ago, where she talked about sleeping 12 hours a night to deal with her depression. She'd been sleeping half her life away for years. I get it. I do that. It's not a good method, because your dreams take over. You go farther under, etc. Eventually things need to get done. Maybe start with a movie, though.

Happy-Go-Lucky: Enjoy Life, It's Fine

Mike Leigh movies are not for impatient people. They're for people who like to read novels sometimes. For example, if you like Alice Munro stories, you'd enjoy Mike Leigh movies. If you don't like Alice Munro, I don't get you. That's ok, because I really don't get a lot of other people, like people who get excited about fancy guns and trophy hunting. Or people who think religion class is a legitimate "replacement" for science. Of course I think that I am right, just as much as they think that I am wrong.

Anyway, watch "Happy-Go-Lucky". It's like 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, so if you don't like it, you're wrong. Or you're my dad, and it's totally fine for you to watch Die Hard Whatever. I'm not the taste police. I'm just trying to tell you about awesome movies. Also, if you have the stomach for some intense flavour Mike Leigh, check out "Another Year" and maybe even "Vera Drake".

Mainly, Happy-Go-Lucky is remarkable because it proves how life is fine. Some people are doing just fine. It's more than simply "not giving a fuck". It's the ability to realize what matters, and what does not. People's general dickishness is not a problem if you are an invulnerable positivity machine. When it is a problem, you do your best to help without going down with the ship. If you are Poppy, you are going to be very good at life.

Nothing Original Here

I've been wasting time!! Yesterday I was bitch-slapped, or whatever the correspondence equivalent. My paper was "slack". I KNOW. So is my life! Better tighten things up, but first a lightning-round, irrelevant blog of recommendations!! None of the following are mind-blowing but I stand by them!

1. "House of Cards"-- it pisses me a off a little bit that Netflix can just decide it knows what we want and then we all prove Netflix right. It's not as good as TV can get but it's worthwhile. Mostly because of Robin Wright. Have you seen her lately? Did you know she made out with Ben Foster last year? She is unstoppable. I want all of her clothes from this show. Evil people doing manipulative things! What more do you want from your internet TV?

2. "Zero Dark Thirty" -- my parents were both in the military so I actually know what this means. What else I know is that Jessica Chastain is the coolest cat on the scene. I can't even write fun compliments today. I'm worthless. Maybe I should get rich and ask Jessica to portray my subconscious as it battles my internal white-girl demons and then I'll understand.

3. "Anna Karenina"-- Joe Wright and Keira Knightley have this whole thing down pat. Some people didn't really like it because they thought the theatrics were TOO THEATRIC. Whatever, it's Russian literature, why not? I think this is definitely a good movie for girls who like that sort of thing. And Tom Stoppard wrote the screenplay, so watch it and then namedrop Stoppard at your next social event.

4. Oh guess who read a book? I DID. "Ready Player One" is made for gamers, but I actually enjoyed it. A bit too tidy at the end. Still, it was fast-moving with cutesy characters and if you want to impress a nerd, give him this.

5. Sports oh no wait, just kidding, fuck sports. How about dramatic period-pieces instead?!

How to Enjoy Gangster Squad

Here's how to enjoy "Gangster Squad", if you are a straight girl:

1. If you're afraid of flying: Wait to see it on a plane, and line up a whole bunch of mini-bottles of your favourite alcohol. Every time someone takes out a Tommy Gun and shoots everyone, everywhere for the next five minutes, take a shot. By 20 minutes into the movie, you'll be asleep. No more fears to deal with. Maybe you'll dream of a time where men wore suits and nice shoes everywhere...

2. If you need to get over your obsession with Ryan Gosling: Sure, he looks the same. He wears the suits and chain-smokes, sexily. But for some reason he made a character choice in this movie to raise his voice by an octave. The fuck? Gradually, gratingly, he will lose your respect. Note: this trick will not work if you are hearing impaired.

3. If you've been considering dying your hair red: You'll have 113 minutes to debates the pros and cons. Do you have Emma Stone's skin-tone? Can you keep up with the shade? Sure, it looks great in that deep ruby tone, but do you have the self-discipline to re-dye it every two weeks? You know that shit fades. And you don't even have the self-discipline to go four days without eating pizza and/or cupcakes and/or staring at your ex's new girlfriend's yoga-poses-on-the-beach facebook pictures.

4. If you need a new movie-star crush: 

Then make Anthony Mackie your new pretend boyfriend. I bet he likes puppies and eating red velvet cupcakes. You have so much in common.

5. If you need to remember why other movies are so great: Let the leads in this film make you reminisce for their better films. The following are things I said out loud during the movie to my friend, another straight girl:

"Is that really supposed to be Mickey Cohen? Do you remember LA Confidential? That was such a great movie."

"Ahh, Josh Brolin. Did you ever see No Country For Old Men? You should totally see that. Crazy good."

"Mystic River!! Sean Penn should have just quit after Mystic River"

"I really liked what Emma Stone wore in every scene of the The Help. That movie was pretty good, but mostly it made me want to go shopping with those old-timey racist white people and then tell them the future would make everything about their stupid lives look dumb and mean, except their clothing, just FYI."

Love & Sex & Famke

I saw Famke Janssen at a restaurant last week. She is like a tall, gorgeous fairy-person. And when she had to duck beside our table while I was declining dessert, expressing her own excitement for dessert-- I took it as a sign of hope! She was in X-men and James Bond this, and Taken that-- but mainly she is the star of "Love & Sex", which I watched 8-10 times when I was sixteen. The only weird part of the movie is that her love interest, Jon Favreau, just seems...you know. I mean, he is funny and sweet. But she is Famke. She's funny on her own. No offence to Favreau, but like...it should have been Paul Rudd. But Favreau is perfect in the role. I don't even know what I'm saying. It's just slightly got one of those "Is she really going out with him?" vibes, which I suppose is pretty true to life, all things considered. Ridiculously good-looking people can't all date each other.

That is ridiculously picky. I adore this movie. Then I found it on youtube this weekend and I was delighted to find out it still holds up! It's as charming and witty as it was back in those pre-2001 adolescent dreamy-times! Check it out!! ...!!!! (Also it was nominated for a screenplay prize at Sundance, so don't take my word on the wittiness! Sundance! Famke!! Escapism!!!! FAMKE!!!!!)

Procrastinator's Liveblog

Don't read this probably, unless you are also a procrastinator and you want to remember what pain is like. I'm going to liveblog my attempt to finish my term paper at the 11 and a half hour. I am, apparently, incorrigible. This preamble itself is a procrastination.

To justify the following, and maybe to keep me going, I'll try to inject some recommendations for motivating movies. Here we go!

7 AM:
Already off to a great start by snoozing the alarm for two hours, but whatever! Positive, positive, positive!!

Here are my goals for the day that I will try to stick to like I'm trying to hold my breath underwater until my eyes bleed (I was so good at those games as a kid -- what happened? NEVERMIND, FOCUS!):
*30 pages by 10; *36 pages by 1; *40 pages by 3; finish page count by 5.

*THEN edit first issue by 8; edit second issue by 11; edit third issue by 2. Sleep 5 hours. Wake up and edit final issue by 10. Re-edit whole draft by 2pm. Send it off. Think up apologies for how I have betrayed this prof's trust by handing in an embarrassing piece of mediocre buffoonery!!!

First off for motivation-- Kill Bill!! Remember when she has to train as a warrior and she's so tired and dying but she keeps going because FUCK BILL, right?!? She drags her dead limbs around and gets into a truck and moves her atrophied toes, all after waking up from a coma?!?! Paper-writing is way less hard than that!!

7:47 -- why the Hell am I reading a gossip blog already?! Aboriginal self-governance isn't going to fucking explain itself!

8:56 -- Only at 26 pages; unlikely I'll be able to write four more in 1 hour...also I have to rewrite 70% of what I've written. Not just in this section, but in total. WILL SHOWER AND KEEP GOING. Writing is so hard!!

12:11 -- Did watching 53 minutes of Downton Abbey help the paper?! REALLY? Did it?! "You know, a WWI period drama would really put my troubles in perspective" -- said the idiot girl

1:06 -- I'm smoking. I don't even like smoking.

2:23 -- Currently feeling deludedly reassured. Do you ever think your life is one long parade of re-enacting the same mistakes?

8:14 -- I've...not given up, per se? But I've certainly managed to convince myself that the mediocre piece of cat puke I'm handing in tomorrow is somehow acceptable. It is, after all, only a "first draft". See? I'm already a lawyer.

9:30 -- I'm just staring at the internet.

11:39 -- how do you say "sorry, but I fuuuuucckkkkkkkkkED UP" in an email to a professional?

Black Tights to Mars

About to recommend something besides movies / TV (I know I've let us all down, the collective birdbrain Borg that is my mind, by not reading anymore)--

*Wearing tights all day. If you are a woman of any age or a man who wants to Truly Live, try wearing thick, high waisted black tights. With a dress, with a skirt, with a long or even short T-Shirt. Have you seen "Factory Girl"? It's actually not bad. And Edie sells the lifestyle of the tights. I won't pretend like I got anything done today, but I sure do feel like an elegant ballerina and I have done 50% more callisthenics than usual. Note-- not leggings. Tights. Get into it.

Also, for TV, watch "Veronica Mars", because it was cute and fun and a galaxy's stretch better than fucking Dawson's Creek or Gilmore Girls or Friends (did I just lose all of you, right there? Tough love, kittens. Isn't it creepy I refer to myself as kittens? Actually, that's an adorable way to go crazy.) Because Kristen Bell called out Laineygossip on twitter today and I was quite pleased with her, what with my Polski pride. It's true, fuck bullies.

A Work in Regress

Sometimes it's delusional to pretend I'm getting better at things. I'll try, for now, to stop getting worse.

Did I tell you to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? It's the one I'd take if I had to watch the same movie over and over again for the rest of my life. That or "All Dogs Go to Heaven", which reminds me of my grandma who I really loved, who had a sad awful life and then died super young. The movie is perfect though, really. I love everything by Charlie Kaufman, quel shocker. This one really is the masterpiece. Surreal, magical, romantic and honest. Jane Adams and David "I-can't-believe-he-married-Amber-Tamblyn" Cross also play my favourite fictional couple of all time in this one.

And Kate Winslet was only 29 or so when she filmed this. At least I think I look therefore super young for being in my 20th whatever year.

I'm also going to recommend the Gus Van Sant movie "Gerry", with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. I enjoyed it very much even while not being a pothead. So sad and dreamy.

Also, since it's another beautiful movie that relies heavily upon Pachebel's Canon, check out Cate Blanchett and Giovanni Ribisi in "Heaven", the movie that made me wish to go to Spain. I still haven't been. But Spain is a bit like Ireland, insofar as they are both countries very far away and good for feeling like you're not home. Anyway, the movie is set in Italy but for some reason, it's the movie I think of when I ask myself why I want to go to Spain.

And fuck, of course, I can't talk about a Tom Tykwer film without mentioning The Amazing and Perfect and SO GOOD Everyone's Already Seen It but Should See It Probably Twice? At least? Run Lola Run. Even though I forgot about that rule when talking about Perfume but the point of this post is that I'm super, hyper, rabidly imperfect, so. 

And actually I only wrote this whole post to tell you about "The Anniversary Party", maybe the best, realest movie about a party ever. Because, Phoebe Cates, you guys. Also, did I mention Jane Adams?

How would you feel if I just wrote the post that never-ended, just listing off all the movies I remember liking? Well maybe you need to quarantine yourself from one of the many horror-hell flus going around, or just hide out and avoid the reality of acknowledging that climate change has totally won and now we just have to ride out the horseshit doomsday situation we created? Then you'll need more movies!! So here you go, here's "Sliding Doors", the movie that asks "How much does luck do?", but in a less operatic way than Woody Allen would! Even though Gwyneth Paltrow is the world's most insufferable person, Sliding Doors is great, you'd like it. 

Or just watch All Dogs Go to Heaven. Looking back, I can't believe the movie I watched twice a day when I was a tiny little child is actually really dark and kind of confusing/ disturbing. Or I can believe it because look at me.