Looper Sucks

I saw "Looper" while drunk but it's so bad. I don't understand the good reviews at all. Here are some reasons it's terrible:

*The non-explanation of time-travel. The characters are like "ohh, you know that crazy time-travel shit, don't try to wrap your head around it!" Ok. I'm not going to expect a reasonable explanation of a fictional sci-fi phenomenon, but try something!! It's like the screenwriters put an asterisk on the script, to go back later and make a semi-plausible attempt at explaining the situation, and then never did. LAME.

*The uglification of Joseph Gordon Levitt's face. Why put a cute actor if you're going to fuck with his face, which by the way still looks very little like Bruce Willis? I don't like JGL nearly as much after listening to his Nerdist interview (he's kind of much less interesting than you'd think), but I usually enjoy him in movies. NOT HERE.

*The INSANE misogyny. This movie features a perfect, idealized woman who literally has zero lines. She says nothing at all. PERFECT LADY indeed. And another woman who lies in bed for 30 seconds and decides she simply must have sex with the gun-toting stranger living in her barn. Gross. Come the fuck on, Emily Blunt. You didn't need this money!

*The hilariously ridiculous plot-device that I should just spoil. It's supposed to make you think, but it just made me laugh at its idiocy. Look: anytime a movie relies heavily on the plot and suspense being carried forward by either an animal or a child actor, the thing is in trouble.

The only nice thing about the movie was Piper Perabo getting more work. You know what's better to see? "My Summer of Love", to see Blunt act and have an amazing story with actual gothy surprise, and "Lost and Delirious", to see Perabo prove she can act, and women prove they are more interesting than sexy legs and silent faces.

Pyjamas til 5pm

My friend and I had quite the adventure last night. Jesus Christ. I can't even begin to tell you. But I'm hungover big time.

Comfort movie watching is better than comfort food, because you have less reason to feel guilty. So let me recommend some Kirsten Dunst films. Kiki D gets a bad rap in the press sometimes, but it just so happens she stars in some of my all-time favourite re-watchable feel good movies:

"Marie Antoinette" -- watch if you feel alone and sad for no reason and like pretty things.

"Virgin Suicides" -- see above. Sophia Coppolla knows girls.

"Wimbledon" -- my favourite romantic comedy. Paul Bettany, aka Mr. Jennifer Connelly, is a total smokeshow. He is so British and adorable. People who don't think blond men are pretty may like this less. Remember when Reese Witherspoon tried with that sportsperson based romantic comedy that no one saw? Exactly. Because Wimbledon kills it in that genre. I'm watching this one now. Love it.

"Melancholia" -- Lars Von Trier movies are good if you find depression compelling and sometimes hate humanity. Definitely not for everyone, but many of my clever pals love this movie. It's gorgeous and KD was totally ripped off for awards nominations (probably because LVT said some stupid shit at Cannes.) See it!

Frozen Hands

I just spent the afternoon watching "Buck" and "What's My Number" on Netflix. I blame this flagrant escapism on the fact it snowed today and my apartment is a drafty nightmare. I feel like a character in an old-timey consumption novel. I basically need gloves to type.

"Buck" is about a horse-whisperer. I heard it was good. What? Not good. Pretty boring. Maybe non-horse people would find it more interesting, but it was basically like every horse clinic I've ever seen in real life. I had a psycho horse one time, and I wondered if this dude could have fixed him. But when he gave up on the psycho horse in this movie, blaming "possible brain injury" on the horse (which is exactly what my overpriced cowboy trainer said my awful horse had when he also gave up on him, $17,000 in training later), I knew it was just reality. Not miraculous. I like my German coach better, who said such horses should just be shot (humanely put down!). A horse that could kill you is just that.

"What's My Number" was delightful. Anna Faris and Chris Evans are both in such good shape and it was the kind of romantic comedy of which Mindy Kaling would approve. Me too.

Oh and when I mentioned podcasts, I forgot to mention "The Champs" (Neal Brennan, Moshe Kasher, DJ Dougpound). Really good talk, if you're fascinated to hear men talk openly about their lady-games. You should give it a listen.

Ghost Talk and Cathartic Ramble

If this were on Hairpin, it'd be called "The Best Time My Friend Killed Herself and I Spent A Year Trying Unsuccessfully to Get Over It"

Last night I took LSD and it was such a predictably terrible idea. As a light show of evil death worms slid around my bed when I tried to finally sleep, I made myself repeat a mantra that I would pull up from the nosedive of self-destruction.

Who can I blame for trying acid at 27? My dead friend that I'm mourning? No, she did not like drugs.

I'm mostly sad and awful today because it's my dead friend's birthday. This is the first birthday where she is just little pieces in the ground. So. I bought flowers and drove 45 minutes to her little grave in that tiny countryside graveyard. When I bought the flowers, the pharmacy next door had this huge collage of pink paper flowers for a charity, forming the words "Tree of Life". Pink was Jenn's colour. I lost my fucking mind. Tree of Life is the last movie I saw with Jenn, and I remember feeling awful at the time for making her watch it, since she was like "you always make me watch the weirdest depressing movies", but then she didn't hate it. I still felt this weird guilt though, after she died, that in a year that was to be her last, I'd let her down in so many ways, including that one stupid movie choice.

Then those words on the glass-- you don't want to believe. You know that 'signs' are the things of schizophrenics and delusive idiots. Fucking magic happens though. Because I was just crying and crying while driving there, which I didn't expect, and the countryside is so beautiful this time of year. I sat down in the grass and it was super windy, right next to her headstone and I bawled. Then this crow started screaming above me, and it was so windy, the bird was just floating above my head, yelling. So loud and weird, the hovering, that I took out my Eliot Smith blasting headphones and stared at it and I don't know what to tell you. That crows are my avowedly favourite animal and I love them? That I knew? I knew it was Jenn?

Anyway. Watch Mindy Kaling's show. I met her once, years ago, and she's the sweetest. Also, watch The Talented Mr. Ripley, because it was Jenn's favourite movie and it's not bad.

This is the link for a mental health charity run that Jenn's sister is doing. I haven't donated yet because I can't decide the decent amount to give, but I'll do it before the end of the day. I know nobody is reading this, but maybe Jenn's ghost is surfing the web.

Voices

Less worthless preamble! But still some: when I'm in my car, I often forget it's not soundproof. So today when a guy who is Not Into Me, but who I still pathetically text, wrote something transparently self-serving (ie-- "can you send me your notes?")...I don't know, back story might be needed, but basically I just started cackling hysterically (as I do sometimes...it's genetic and sounds unfortunate). I made these loud animal noises, mostly laughing, but maybe screeching, holding my phone up like baby Simba and squealing "phuuuuuucckkkk youuuuuu!!".

Then this dude who was walking his dog next to my car knocked on my window and shrugged in inquiry. I drove away.

Anyway, here are some great, or at least medium-good, podcasts!

"You Made It Weird" -- Pete Holmes (Long and meandering, but generally endearing and funny.)

"WTFpod" -- Marc Maron (Don't OD on Marc or you will be grumpy and misanthropic too).

"Doug Loves Movies" -- Doug Benson (Not for everyone, but I normally laugh a lot).

"This American Life" -- (NPR) Ira Glass (Probably the best podcast of all time).

"Cashing In With TJ Miller" -- Cash Levy & TJ Miller (really silly, but usually funny)

"The Nerdist" -- Chris Hardwick (Today they had Tom Hanks on...the Joan Rivers episode is epic.)

"Call Chelsea Peretti" -- Chelsea Peretti (I called into this one yesterday, but I did a terrible, awkward job of it and hopefully she does not put it on air).

"You Had to Be There" -- Nikki Glaser & Sara Schaefer (Nikki is so nice at answering my tweets).

My friend said this is garbage

My friends ask me to recommend books sometimes or ask about weird movies I like, so I thought I'd be really clever and write a worthless blog of reviews to point them to...instead of just telling them the book/movie? I don't know, but I just re-read the posts below, with critical eyes, and they're sooooo bad. Maybe I am just an asshole. My family are mostly all terrible. It makes sense that I'd also be awful.

Anyway, to my friends, don't see The Master because it's good, but you mostly hated that time I made us watch Dogville, or that other time we saw Tree of Life and it never ended and I was embarrassed by its nonsense.

Do see: Drop Dead Gorgeous, the 1998 one with Kirsten Dunst and debut performance of Amy Adams. SO FUNNY.

Don't read Bret Easton Ellis' "Less Than Zero". Do read "Must You Go" by Antonia Fraser, who had a years-long affair with a dude who won the Nobel Prize.

Almost like News

Over the last week I watched all 10 episodes of Aaron Sorkin's "The Newsroom". If at times I felt compulsively eye-rolly and shouted at the screen "Come on, Jim from the Office, it just gets boring when you marry Pam/Maggie and her wholesome button-up boobs!", I still think it's worth watching for the following reasons:

A) Olivia Munn's sexy economist character makes me wonder if I should re-visit my potential bisexuality (I mean, no-- I'm like Neko Case in that I'm a lesbian spirit trapped with an inconveniently straight sexual orientation...but just in case, call me Olivia/Sloan!)

B) Maybe we should all listen to a little bit of Sorkin's diatribe.

C) Emily Mortimer is always standing in front of me naked, bemoaning her flabby arms*, or raising sad British upper class eyebrows at the brutal murder of Scarlett Johansson**. Watch her stomp around in tight pencil skirts and chic blouses! She'll make a believer out of you!!

*Watch "Lovely & Amazing" if you're female and even if you're not.

**I spoiled the movie in question, but for anyone who missed the reference, just watch all of Woody Allen's movies to be safe. But not all at once. That'd be like smoking an entire pack after your first cigarette.

Coming soon-- Podcasts. Lots of podcasts. We should all be listening to podcasts all the time. Today while the bitchy (I always want to say 'cunty'--why is bitchy okay, but cunty is not? Bitch is an awful word and cunt is fun! I see many of my friends wince when I say CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNTY CUNT CUNT. See there, I'm trying to desensitize you. It's a fun fucking word. Nice and crisp. Try it! Let's take it back from the cunty cunt-haters!)

...ahem, while the cunty dental hygienist who has been my enemy for a decade squished her breasts against the top of my head while she muttered in French about the tragedy of my rough brushing technique (note-- she told me all my teeth would fall out by 30 and none have so far! My teeth are winners!!), I thought "ahh, this would be much better if I could listen to a podcast". While driving-- podcast! While savagely destroying my gums while I brush my teeth by the sink, I'm doing calf-raises and listening to podcasts! You get it!

More on that tomorrow. One last thought-- if you have a francophone enemy in your life, like one who works for dentists and is therefore evil incarnate, tell them you want to practice your French. Hostile diatribes are much more palatable if you understand 30% less, and the best way to beat an enemy is to pretend you think they're swell and worthy of respect.