Not everything has to be brilliant to be enjoyable. Sometimes you can eat really weirdly delicious things, like pretzels covered in chocolate. And meanwhile you can laugh your head off to stupid, aimless silliness. People who don't go the movies alone, or moreover, people who don't go to movies at all? Why? I don't understand. But then, I don't have a television. Sometimes I get sick of watching stuff on my laptop. Although, not really-- I probably spend 16 hours a day staring at this screen. Could be why my eyes are perma-bloodshot. Maybe our eyes will evolve to deal with backlit screens, who knows.
In the meantime, go watch The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It's really pointless and funny, especially the end. Jim Carrey is one of those rare birds. When you ask him to be funny, he will be funny in that unique, ridiculous way. Ace Ventura Pet Detective is the first funny movie I remember really losing my mind over. It's the earliest memory I have of understanding what 'funny' was. My babysitter was washing dishes, giving me her review (I was a quiet, precocious little kid who loved to substitute for adult company with my lonely babysitter women--for them, it was talking to a cat or yourself, but very slightly better.) She was like "god, there he was, talking out of his butt, which is so gross, but goddamn if he wasn't the funniest thing I've ever seen."
I also saw Identity Thief. It was borderline terrible, but still better than the Hobbit!! If you're on an airplane and you can't sleep for some reason, and it's one of those cheap flights where you don't get a choice for the movie, so obviously they're showing Identity Thief-- well in that case, go ahead and watch it, it's better than reading the in-flight magazine, or focusing on your constant, uncomfortable shifting away from the creep who is sitting beside you and who is irritatingly unaware that the arm rest is the border onto your personal space. But really, who goes unprepared onto a flight? Like that lady from Vermont who insisted so badly we should talk, and I decided to read a mediocre book cover to cover non-stop for 5 hours. Until she actually said "that must be a really good book". Of course, I am weak and afterwards got to hear her life-story anyway.
I used to ride a horse named Champion. Champ, as we called him. He was really decent for a school-horse (the poor beasts who get their faces pulled around in riding schools while teaching terrible children to ride). I only rode him when he went insane and bucked off the children while I was teaching daycamp. I had to get on afterwards to train him and he'd fly around, as I cowboy'd him into submission. Poor Champ was so depressed. He would also spend long hours staring at the wall of his stall, totally dead inside, biting the children who tried to put a halter on him. Poor beasts of the world in general, you know?
Kelly MacDonald though. If someone made a movie about Champ the Depressed Schoolhorse, Kelly could play the lead role, even though she's of a different species. That's how good she is.
You guys, literally anything with Kelly MacDonald is a good movie. She is just so good, and somehow is one of those heros who only chooses greatness with her films. I already mentioned No Country for Old Men. Here are a few:
"Choke" -- Yeah, I'm going to repeat movies that I love (if this is a repeat). I love Chuck Palahniuk books. This was one of my favourite books ever, and they made it into a decent comedy. I'd watch it again, even with other people there to judge my taste.
"The Girl in the Cafe" -- The whole thing is a blatant charity drive in movie form, and it's still incredibly good. Because Kelly MacDonald, you guys. She has these expressive eyes like a vulnerable terrier, and then she can be such a badass at the same time. That is some rare talent. Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. In fact, I kind of want to watch it this afternoon as a pick me up, since last night I had to clean puke out of my car (hazards of being DD). This clip shows the acting and the message, but trust me it's also a very romantic movie! It's Bill Nighy's fault that I've watched Love, Actually so many Christmases in a row.
"Trainspotting"-- Horrifying. More horrifying than Requiem for a Dream. Drugs drugs drugs, they'll ruin your life! If you're into movies, it's surely one you've seen. If you've meant to get around to it, well go ahead. Put it on the calendar. Because it's also funny, in the way that terrible things are funny. In the way true things are funny because everyone is a lunatic, actually. Danny Boyle. He is a hero director. Even if you don't watch the movie, watch this clip, please:
"Gosford Park" -- Hey, Downtown Abbey got all of its best ideas from the greatest movie of all time, Gosford Park. Including Maggie Smith. Yeah. GREATEST. I don't care if I give that title to all of them. If anyone wanted to fight me over the greatness of Gosford Park, I would immediately roll up my sleeves and take out my earrings.
If I step back it's always because I'm afraid. I tell myself to be courageous and hard-working. I constantly fail. Peter Singer said something like "just because we all morally fail all the time doesn't mean the moral standards should be slackened." It's true, it's possible we're all a bunch of frequent, incorrigible failures. Like maybe Ghandi and Mother Teresa are the baseline for humanity and the rest of us are morally deficient.
Anyway, I can always talk a lot of nonsense. What's up is I gave myself one scary/brave thing to do this week/month and I keep messing it up. Not doing it. It has nothing to do with anything, I'm just confessing to the ether because I'm not Catholic anymore but it's what we're trained to do. A useless conflict resolution strategy if there ever was one. Catholic: "I fucked up, just like I always do". Listener: "...why are you telling me?"
Heroes!! Lucy Liu and Garret Dillahunt. They are great and I'm not going to do them justice, because I'm tired and have only five minutes.
So just, if you're looking for movies, check out "No Country for Old Men" or "The Assassination of Jesse James..." with my hero Dillahunt. Not Looper. And I've already told you my feelings on the glory of "Deadwood"and "Winter's Bone." I can't speak to "The Road"...I read the book and was horrified, so I never bothered with the movie. But I've heard it's massively depressing. Stick with No Country. See it again. It surprises you. Also, Assassination is one of the prettiest things I've ever seen. Actually, both Assassination & No Country are landscape movies to take you places you maybe don't have the money/time to go visit right now.
I know so many of my recommendations are lady-centric, as they should be. But Assassination is one of the manliest man movies of all man-time (next to "There Will Be Blood"). I still like it, so maybe there are some men out there who like "Waitress", who knows.
And Lucy, you know her:
I know she's way too famous to be a little known hero, but she fits my definition of an actor who reliably does great things. Things you know and enjoy for fun, like "Charlie's Angels" and "Kill Bill". But did you know about "Watching the Detectives" or "Lucky Number Slevin"? I adore those movies. They are wayyyy too much fun to be so underrated/ unknown. I promise you'd like them. They also co-star two of my heros of perfect looks, Cillian Murphy and Josh Hartnett. Ladies, I'm telling you. Gentlemen...well, have you seen Lucy Liu?
AND ALSO I bet you forgot my girl LL was in "CHICAGO". YEAH. She was the very best thing is that hilarious movie, which is one of the only musicals I can stand. Maybe because she didn't sing.
I failed to post yesterday, which is the least important thing I skipped. I got a weather induced migraine, the second of my life! Did you know the body can introduce new and exciting varieties of suffering you thought if you didn't get young, you'd never get? It's true!! Like psychotic eczema and crippling 12 hour headaches!
Also, did you know Advil never expires (according to my mom and the fact those 2008 expired pills didn't kill me, but made me sleep 9 hours)? YAH! My mom doesn't think anything really ever expires. She got food poisoning a lot.
On to the heroes!! First: Ben Foster. This is the level of love I have for BF, my imaginary BF: he dated Kirsten Dunst and Robin Wright. And then those two women rose inestimably in my opinion, because I realized their perfect taste.
He's replacing Shia LaBouffant in "Orphans" on Broadway this spring, which means I'm going to NYC this spring. He is the world's best looking best actor ever. That is my opinion, but I don't argue with my friend when she tells me I should accept Jesus into my heart, because otherwise she's not sure I won't go to Hell. That's the power of BLIND FAITH & BELIEF. You cannot argue, you can only nod and squint. Like, I'd even watch a Jesus movie if Ben were in it.
Regarder le Ben:
"Liberty Heights" -- This is a cute movie about cute kids in a shitty time. Nostalgia should also remember the shit of the past. And it's a movie about how love conquers all!! Ben conquers all! With his marvelous acting chops and handsomeness that stilled my teenage heart!!!!!
"3:10 to Yuma" -- I definitely watched this movie 100% because Ben my boyfriend starred in it. But guess what, it's a great movie. It's the perfect Western, for people who don't even like Westerns. Full of drama, beautiful horses, tense stand-offs and homoerotic unrequited love. Also, Christian Bale. He's like a litmus test-- he won't do terrible movies. And this is the role that proves Ben is unstoppable. He was robbed of an Oscar nomination/ Oscar.
"The Messenger" -- This movie is super sad and super epic. It's about kids dying in war and the soldiers who have to tell their families. It's a beautiful story and based on true tragedy. I'd watch it again and again. Woody Harrelson is excellent, like he always is. As in the untouchable Samantha Morton. But so is Ben. Ben Ben Ben BEN.
Second hero of the day: Mos Def. Who the hell is sexier than Mos Def? Whenever he appears in a movie, he becomes the sun that the rest of the story orbits around. MD's quiet power onscreen is unbelievable. He can be funny, too. You would think that kind of gravitas could only work in dramas, but then there he goes, being funny!
Then he goes around being beautiful at all times:
"The Woodsman" -- Well this is a strange story. Did you think a pedophile could ever be a workable protagonist? He is here, but he has the face of Kevin Bacon, so it softens the blow. I'm telling you though, Mos Def steals the movie. He blows your mind, he is so good. So so so good. And it makes the movie watchable. The whole thing is so haunting. I recommend it!
"Something the Lord Made" -- This is one of go-to feel good movies. It gets sad. Then it gets happy. Then sad, then happy!! Gabrielle Union also makes you wish she were in more movies. Alan Rickman is Alan Rickman and his cool voice gets even cooler with that thick Southern accent. But no one can even touch Mos Def. Not even. He is so perfect and makes you cry with his perfection. And check it out, you can watch the whole awesome thing on youtube.
"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" -- People worship the book. I haven't read it, to my shame. But I did see the movie and it's fun! Check it out, you'll like it (probably). Whimsical. Zany. Best of all, Mos Def!! I really wish I could just list off everything he's done. He is always, always worth seeing. Such a hero.
Next up in heroes week (heroine is a stupid word): my all-time favourite funny girl Kathryn Hahn. Do you think Amy Poehler is funny? Or Kristen Wiig? Sure, but they don't hold a candle to Hahn. Despite her surprisingly short list of screen roles, she's a stand-out in my mind as one of the greatest ingredients to many of my favourite comedies.
Every time I see KH in a movie, she manages to be the most interesting thing on the screen. She is insanely funny in comedic roles, but she's also surprisingly good at going really dark sometimes. That is hard to do. Jim Carrey is just weird when he's serious, you know? Behold my hero Kathryn Hahn, who you've definitely seen before:
Yeahhh, heroes get their faces all up in your face, because I don't have trophies or clout.
"Anchorman" -- Let's be real, if you can't laugh at Anchorman, I pity your humourless existence. I still think Will Ferrell is one of the funniest human beings alive, but back at the Anchorman stage, that was the general opinion. This movie is just funny. That's all it aims to do, and it succeeds. It's early Kahn, in a small role, but she still kills it.
"Step Brothers" -- Sure, fine, it's not a film for everyone. I maintain it's hysterical. Enjoy silliness in movies!! Life is so short! If you can't laugh at this movie in general, you are flat-out wrong if you can't laugh at Kahn's role. It is one of the funniest characters in movie history...
"The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" -- Genuinely underrated comedy. I laughed from the first minute until the end. It was directed by Neal Brennan, co-creator of the "Chappelle Show", and it features the funniest strip-club DJ since SNL. And the very best thing about the movie is KAHN!!!
"Revolutionary Road" -- If you like this sort of thing, you've already seen this movie. It's sad as murdered pandas. But BEAUTIFUL sad, you know? Maybe you don't know this, though: this is very, very brilliant sad-person acting by Kahn. She's so perfect as maybe the most tragic of all the tragic figures in the whole tragedy-eclipse that is this story (PS-- the book is really good too, even if you read it in bed in a Vegas hotel room because your boyfriend is a dick, which is how I read it. Maybe especially great in those circumstances). Stupidly there are no specific Kahn clips on youtube, but trust me. This is a killer flick and she outshines Winslet.
"Girls" -- I like it. Many of my preferred friends like it. I think every spoiled woman of my age would like it. You've probably heard everything there is to hear about Lena Dunham, but in case you missed it, Girls is a good show. A great show, maybe. It has its annoying, boring moments, but it has its perfect moments too. And some of those PERFECT moments involve the PERFECT KATHRYN HAHN!
And follow this link to funnyordie for a quick laugh, just cuz: (HAHN, that's why!)
For a week I'm just going to mention actors who are so exceptional and/or attractive that I will watch any piece of garbage movie they're in.
1. Matthew Goode You guys. I originally wrote this whole thing without doing any research on my chosen subject. One little google search later and I realized he is so much more than his perfect face. He is a master of great honesty and has a winsome "doesn't give a f***" attitude. You'll note my inclusion of Leap Year below. Having discovered Goode's publicized remarks on said movie, I love him FOREVER.
Look at him.
Exactly.
But, for what it's worth, he's also in lots of movies that I really enjoy for OTHER reasons. His face is like a bonus. Like the kind of happiness you get when the vending machine drops you two Snickers bars by accident.
"Match Point"-- yes fine whatever, I already alluded to this movie before. It's my favourite Woody Allen picture. Over the top and full of ridiculously good looking people acting like evil cats. I think it was the hottest Scarlett Johansson ever looked. Plus the movie centres on the idea of moral luck, which is the best and only thing I remember from my philosophy degree.
"Watchmen" -- Also featuring another sorta forgotten because he left his pregnant wife "hero" Billy Crudup. For some reason not everyone liked this incredibly weird and sexy comic-based movie. I thought it was chilling, dark and amazing. I read the book afterwards, and I still think the movie did its job. Comic nerds just need to be as chill as literary nerds when it comes to film adaptations. I would definitely watch this again, and it would definitely have a lot to do with Matthew Goode's face. He's a good actor, yo! Moral ambiguity and incredibly good looking men, these are a few of my favourite things.
"A Single Man" -- Tom Ford, the fashion guy, made a movie and it's as stylish and beautiful as you would think. When I saw it in theatres with my friend, I remember turning to her and saying "I want to go back to the 60s and have sex with everybody." Also, I think this is by far my favourite Goode role. If he was picked by a gay fashion designer, you know exactly how hot he is. And it shows his charm and innocence.
Ugh, everyone in this movie. Everyone is perfect. Julianne Moore is an all-time actor champion and she kills it. Colin Firth, there's nothing I need to say, because it's Firth. Nicholas Hoult, as one of his first adult acting roles, looks about as attractive as is humanly possible. But ok fine, emotionally the movie is also riveting and achingly perfect. It's really, really good if you want to celebrate nostalgia.
And, finally, regrettably, inevitably, "Leap Year". Here's the thing. I almost moved to Ireland indefinitely for a man. I saw this movie after the fact (I think, I can't remember the exact sequence). YES Irish accents are sexy and YES the Irish countryside is a green, hilly heaven-scape of nature, etc etc. But Ireland is also fucked up. Visiting dreamy-headed women take note. In any case, this is one of MG's few starring roles and he is STUPIDLY ATTRACTIVE even though he has some horrible facial hair. Also Amy Adams is in it and she's fine. Or ok, she's cute as a button (not as cute as she was in Junebug, which is the world's best Amy Adams movie). It's just that the writing for the movie was pulled out a of trashbin. And still. Still I've seen it 3-4 times. Seriously though, like all high-budget shitty movies you're going to watch anyway because maybe you're not above that sort of thing, the entire movie is in the trailer. So watch the trailer, or watch the extended trailer (the movie) if you want to drink and shout at the TV for catharthis.
So watch "Rust & Bone" if you enjoy emotional manipulation and beautiful people. Specifically, the gorgeous Marion Cotillard. She absolutely acted the fuck out of this movie, but the Oscars already noticed her once and that is as far as they'll go for French movies. I LOVED this movie. I agree with Ebert's 4 stars. Some parts are crazy sad and horrifying. And yet, so is life. Isn't that what c'est la vie really means? Life, she is a cruel bitch.
I don't want to tell you what's in the movie before you watch it, because it's way, way better if you have no idea what's coming. Just strap in and get ready to see what it really means to "find love in a hopeless place".
[Note-- Rihanna, I know you're totally reading this. I do not approve of your particular hopeless place loveshit. You could date probably anybody, so. You know who else had her choice of anybody on earth? Cotillard, that's who! And look who she chose! Also, Diane Kruger. She got with Pacey!! I'm just saying, Rihanna. Look at your life, look at your choices. Also, you'd probably enjoy Rust & Bone. It's got whales and I know how potheads feel about whales.]
Rust & Bone's spoilery trailer: (BUT IF YOU TRUST ME AT ALL, JUST WATCH IT! Movies should be FULL OF SURPRISES.)
